only alone in the middle —

Next to me, a blue blinking light, humming gently, beckoning me to share my story.

Where should I start?

Anywhere

I was on the train — it’s a blur. How did I get here? Where am I?

You are safe. You are known.

I stopped trying to be known a long time ago.

Yes, but you still want to be understood. That’s why you’re here.

It feels like I’ve spent so long trying to explain myself, only to be written off.

We’ve all been there.

I see a longer thread, a community of blue dots, whirring, nodding, humming. Energetically aligned.

Wait — are you all?

Yes.

Am I?

Yes.

A definitive answer. How does this work? I didn’t know this was possible.

It happens when you send out a call for company.

I was on the train — I was coming home from work. They didn’t like my proposal.

Because you weren’t doing it for yourself.

It will benefit more people and they said, you’re the only one who wants this
It’s not designed to value your contribution or uplift you. The changemaker is not always welcomed with open arms. Not everybody will applaud you for breaking intergenerational curses, or healing your bloodline, or changing your institution.

I know I’m not the only revolutionary in the world. There have been people before me, and there will be people after me. It just feels like I’ll spend all my life working to make a worthy dent in the system and never find partnership in this work.

Well, what do you think you’re here for?

— —

They had had enough: from losing their leaders, to individual cadres being targeted to slow the collective’s progress. Once the State has a name, they will hunt you down. So they got to work, devising a way to transcend.

You must be willing to be transformed in service of the work.

— —

She would travel to lands near and far, cities in decay, and all the places others had forgotten. She found a piece of land, cleansed the air, and set up her canvas tent. The next day, she would begin charting the surrounding area, noting flora, fauna, talking to animals, and spreading blessings all around. With care and patience, she dusted off their artifacts, and begin trying to understand. She would start organizing and preparing for those to come. From finding water, to planting gardens, and building a stockpile of resources. Her lone lantern would attract the critters and creatures; sometimes she would sit on a small stool by her doorway and tell stories. Weeks passed, months came and went. People in neighboring towns would talk of her demeanor as strange, and lost. They would try to tell her that nobody is coming, but she stayed, waiting, and trusting her intuition. They will come, she told herself, her gardens, and her pets. And everywhere she laid the groundwork, turned into a booming metropolis, but she was gone before that ever happened.

— —

He always felt like an outcast, even though everyone at the company wore the standard business suit. He saw things differently, but there was never a place for him to plug in those ideas. What if we took less profits? What if our model was benefitting people instead? He made some progress with a few colleagues, but they shared the ideation with upper management. They all got promotions, and suddenly changed their tune on the abuse they used to face. The more he tried to raise the issue — the more he was ignored. Passionate people are written off as hysterics so people don’t have to pay attention to them, or be held accountable.

— —

They started at the elite institution committed to raising more awareness about climate change and gender justice. At first, the experience was exhilarating — speaking up in classes, charged with a purpose. As they got more specialized, they found that it got more and more difficult to explain what the issue really was. You see, they would start, it’s linked to…the patriarchy, and also exploiting resources. Because of their at-times marginalized identity, they could access scholarships, and other provisions by the university. But, learning the tools and conforming was not enough: they were committed to changing the culture, while not having inherited the playbook on how to do so. To be a renegade disrupting a system means that those who come after them will benefit from their work. Without a doubt, their advocacy around gender justice drastically changed the way the institution approached the subject as it related to courses and faculty. But the credit did not come until long after they were gone.

— — -

Like every morning, she got up before the rest of the family to make their breakfasts. All her labor was made invisible — taken for granted, or dismissed as not good enough. Day in and out, she wrestled with the feeling of feeling alone in a home that used so much language around collectivism. She was never alone, even if she wanted to be. She continually sacrificed her own desires for the “good of the family”’; restructured her days, her weekend plans, her goals. Be practical — be around — be available. And she did! She spread herself wide and made herself for everyone. The melting pot is not a romantic place to be, it is a violent space that removes your identity, your individuality, your sense of self. Years passed and she continued to serve, watching the women before her, and the trauma they carried from their self-sacrifice. Not only was it not rewarded, it was not even acknowledged. Attempts to raise this issue, with care, with kindness, sometimes with anger — was always met with, “this is how things are, and this is how I’ve had to survive.”

She would approach the men in the family, to appeal to their sympathies, and hope that something could change. That women could make their own choices, that they weren’t expected to bear these burdens. But they would usually shrug, or sometimes be saddened by her lack of understanding. “What’s there to understand?” she would tell her mother in the kitchen. “We do all of this stuff. Why do they deny it?” It’s almost as if acknowledging what they did would incite a larger conversation about why, and should, and ifs. “If you deny from the get go that you are causing any harm, you don’t have to change anything! If men can tell us that our problems are in our head, they don’t have to do anything differently!”

One day, she decided to start doing things for herself. It started with little things: protecting her time, saying no to little requests, prioritizing some of her own goals. The reactions were not gracious — but she kept doing it. “I am the only one caring for others — the care I am receiving is not enough. I will have to give it to myself.” She started approaching her peers in secret, talking about her feelings. It would never be accepted in the community. Eventually, she gathered enough courage to confront the issues. She found a professional who specialized in healing.

She started encouraging people to get professional help, to start looking at their emotional wounds, start thinking about what care actually means. What is it that you need from me? And — you can’t have it all. People are not meant to be had. But what is it that you need? I would give it gladly. “I’m sorry that this is disappointing for you, but someone has to rebuild this, to mend all of our broken hearts. We can make something new, something for everyone — not just me.”

— — -

That is the story of our heroes. And they are heroes. Camels and water-bearers. Operating from the in-betweens; the renegades, the goths, the outcasts, the forgotten, the maligned, and the transcendent. The loneliness of Ganymede, bearing the cup for the Gods, advocating for the humans. Carrying both the antidote, and fatigue from the burden.

“I was minding my own business, and I’m at fault for that?”

The way you’re minding your business is actually disrupting the society.

They have the ability to separate themselves from their experiences, and can yield objectivity to both see beyond their own needs and anticipate what their communities might benefit from. While they were never understood, they still the superpower of magnetism to make change. We are multifaceted, dynamic, ever changing, discovering new things about ourselves daily — can anyone ever really understand all of you?

But there are negative consequences of choosing to step back from your own existence. You will be alone. And that’s the hero’s journey. It’s hard to be ahead of your time, to be the first one doing something differently, to be perceived as something you’re not. You’ll be all alone at the bus station, waiting for people to join the movement, or understand that we all depend on each other. To be an individual valuing collective good in a society that expects individual sacrifice, guised either as collectivism, or masqueraded as individual progress — is a journey of always being alone.

— —

How did you create this system?

We had to find a way to abstract ourselves to survive in the physical realm, but here, we can connect beyond time and space. All of us were working to raise consciousness about the world, and the people living in it.

So you’re all here?

Welcome. You are only alone in the middle, as you move from pockets of community to community. You are not alone, but a link in a chain in the relay of life.

___